Staying private while being part of a kink community
Practical steps for keeping this part of your life separate from work and family, from email addresses to photos to what you tell people.
Decide what you are protecting
Being careful is easier when you know what you actually care about. For most people it is one of three things: an employer, a family member, or a custody or immigration situation. The steps are different for each.
Be honest with yourself about the real risk. Blanket caution is exhausting and people abandon it. Targeted caution lasts.
The email address
Use an address that is not your name and is not the one your bank has. Make it before you sign up for anything, and use it for every kink-related account. That single step separates most of the accidental leaks people have.
Don't use a work address for anything, ever, including a mailing list for a munch.
Your name
A scene name is normal and nobody will ask why. First names only, or a nickname, is the default at a munch. Nobody is entitled to your legal name.
If you meet someone you know from work, the convention is simple and it is mutual: neither of you saw the other.
Photos
- No photos at munches or parties. This is a rule almost everywhere and it protects you.
- If you post pictures anywhere, crop faces, tattoos and anything identifying in the background.
- Photo files carry the location and time they were taken. Strip that before sharing. Many apps do it for you; don't assume yours does.
- Never send an identifying photo to someone you have not met.
Location
Be careful with anything that publishes where you are. On this site your area is rounded to a grid square before it is stored, and we never keep an exact position, but that is not true of every app.
Think twice before checking in anywhere, on any service, on a night you are going out.
If something goes wrong
If someone threatens to expose you, do not pay and do not negotiate. Stop replying, keep the messages, and tell the organizer of whatever community you met them in. Sextortion works on isolation and speed.
If intimate images of you are shared without your consent, ask us to take down anything on this site and we will act within 48 hours. StopNCII.org can help stop them spreading further.
Common questions
Should you use your real name in a kink community?
You don't have to. First names or a scene name are the norm, and nobody is entitled to your legal name.
Is it safe to post photos from an event?
Almost every munch and party bans photos outright. If you post anything, crop identifying features and strip the location data the file carries.
What do you do if you see a colleague at a munch?
Nothing, and neither do they. The convention is mutual discretion, and it is one of the reasons the norm against gossip is taken seriously.
What should you do about sextortion?
Don't pay and don't reply. Keep the evidence, tell the community organizer, and report it. Paying almost always leads to more demands.
Read next
Your first munch: what to expect and what to wear
Practical answers for first-timers: what to wear, what to say, whether to use your real name, and how to leave gracefully.
How to find your local kink community
A practical order of operations: munch, class, organization, member space, convention. Plus how to tell a well-run group from a poorly run one.
Play party and dungeon etiquette for newcomers
House rules most member spaces share: orientation, asking before touching, not interrupting, and what a monitor does.